Bulimia help please......?!

i was 16 when i discovered bulimia - at the time, it felt like an ideal solution!. i could eat exactly what i wanted, yet relieve the guilty after-feeling by 'disposing' of extra food that i was convinced would make me fat!. for me, bulimia isn't so much all about being thin although that is certainly a drive behind it!. for me, bulimia is about being in control!. when the rest of your world is falling apart around you and you can't change a thing, bulimia helps me and for that reason, i often think of it as a 'friend'!. sad, i know!.!.a disease comforts me!. but it does!.!.!. when i would be having problems with friends or at home or just generally feeling down, i'd resort to bulimia!. i could change myself, i could be whoever i wanted to be as long as i lost weight and changed my appearance!. after i lost a little more than 22 lbs in 2 months people started to comment on my weight!. some people would be shocked as in 'whoa!.!.you've lost so much weight!.!.you look a bit unhealthy,' while other people were complimentary telling me how slim and nice i looked!. these comments only encouraged me - the bad comments convinced me that people were jealous and wanted to look like me and the good comments made me feel that what i was doing was right and was having the desirable effects!. i would start to look around me and think my 5 ft 5 friend who weighs about 130 lbs was fat, obese even!. i would look at her in disgust as she ate a sandwich for lunch, convinced that she'd let herself go!. at school i would eat nothing!. often at home i would get out of eating too and those days i felt in control and happy, especially when i was getting a bit bullied at school!. but some days when i got home i'd go crazy, eating every single thing i could find in the cupboard!. i'd feel sick afterwards, as if i wanted to die and would throw it all back up, telling myself i was sick and disgusting and i didn't deserve to eat!. then i'd tell myself that no wonder people didnt like me, i was a disgrace!. then i'd go and cut myself - each ugly scar that remains on my arm reminds me of a different day when i'd just lost control!. this story saddens me even now because even i can see how wrong i was!.!.!.and i did get better!. but i fear its coming back now and my depression is even worse!. i dont want this to spiral back into the full-blown bulimia i had managed to recover from before!. a bulimic can never truly recover i suppose but i want help this time!. i dont want to be the person i was back then!. i got dangerously thin and was so unhappy so if anyone knows of anywhere where i can get help or has any recovery stories of their own, please let me know :) thank you for your time!. xWww@Answer-Health@Com

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