I have a shiz ton of back, chest, and stomach hair?!

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Hahaha... panda bear. Anyway yeah, it may sound super gay but you can get your body waxed. The hair is gone for months at a time. DON'T use a razor because then you'll have a bunch of stubby hairs and when you go to sleep if you roll around, you stab the hell outta yourself and its itchy for 3-4 days and the hair grows back completely in a month. Also if you have a girlfriend you wont be getting any hugs with that either. Personally, the more hair the manlier but I only have hair on my legs. But if you wanna get a wax then go for it. But if you do, expect something like 40yr old virgin scene.

Get waxed.
It does hurt, but only very briefly. Take some painkiller beforehand.
And ignore the wimps hamming it up about how badly it hurts, they're either total wusses or they are acting.
If your skin is light, and you have money, then you sound like a candidate for laser or IPL

Razor, waxing sessions, courage. Good luck!