Comments on this phuleeze.. im 16?!
Question: I really want an opinion on my poem. can you tell me what you think please be honest.
Beautiful Anorixia you take a strole down my mind.
You remind me of what you did to me, you told me you were kind.
Beautiful Anorixia gliding down my brain.
With a single look you can feel my pain.
Beautiful Anorixia you leave tiny footprints in my head.
If only i didnt listen to what you would have said.
Beautiful Anorexia you are apprehensive and frail.
Looking for a friend you sit alone to wale.
Beautiful Anorexia your tears will finally be dried.
For this littel girl should have run to hide.
Beautiful Anorexia you see her sliding down.
You were the only one that, that girl had around.
Beautiful Anorexia you brought her to the brink.
For others have now seen how much she has shrink.
Beautiful Anorexia you are fighting now.
To keep the friend that you once had but then had once pushed down.
Beautiful Anorexia you are to frail to fight.
You must part your long time friend and leave into the night.
Beautiful Anorexia you see her gain her strength.
Soon the pain and suffering will distance into length.
Beautiful Anorexia you take one last visit to the place you once called home.
This girl will never let you visit agian, now your all alone.
Beautiful Anorexia soon you'll find a friend.
And soon someday you'll bring her to The End.
Answers: I really want an opinion on my poem. can you tell me what you think please be honest.
Beautiful Anorixia you take a strole down my mind.
You remind me of what you did to me, you told me you were kind.
Beautiful Anorixia gliding down my brain.
With a single look you can feel my pain.
Beautiful Anorixia you leave tiny footprints in my head.
If only i didnt listen to what you would have said.
Beautiful Anorexia you are apprehensive and frail.
Looking for a friend you sit alone to wale.
Beautiful Anorexia your tears will finally be dried.
For this littel girl should have run to hide.
Beautiful Anorexia you see her sliding down.
You were the only one that, that girl had around.
Beautiful Anorexia you brought her to the brink.
For others have now seen how much she has shrink.
Beautiful Anorexia you are fighting now.
To keep the friend that you once had but then had once pushed down.
Beautiful Anorexia you are to frail to fight.
You must part your long time friend and leave into the night.
Beautiful Anorexia you see her gain her strength.
Soon the pain and suffering will distance into length.
Beautiful Anorexia you take one last visit to the place you once called home.
This girl will never let you visit agian, now your all alone.
Beautiful Anorexia soon you'll find a friend.
And soon someday you'll bring her to The End.
It's very good. I'm glad to see that in the end you have beaten it. It is smartly written. I like the viewpoint from one who has had it and seen the pain and fought and won!
If you want to change anything, I think it would be okay to change "Beautiful" throughout the poem to reflect the feel of the line. The First word describing anorexia could reflect the change throughout.
But I think it's good and good to see that you know the truth of it.
You should probably seek some help if this is about you
Did you figure out about midway through how to spell "anorexia"?????
I think it is a nicely written poem. I' am assuming it is about you. And I really hope that you have beat Anorexia. If so then I think this poem is Triumphant and you should be proud that you beat it. But if you are still struggling, then I pray you get all the help you need. I just watched Dr. Phil yesterday about a 28 year old who weighs 60 pounds. It is crushing!!
Good Luck
Your subject is morbid.
Your grammar is atrocious.
Your tenses are terrible.
Your message is muddled.
Your cadence is off balance.
If this poem was an attempt at journaling to work through your feelings, then it is just fine. Journaling should rarely be about the quality of your writing, especially on such an emotional subject. However, if you mean to hold this up as an example of your poetic talent, it really needs work. Go have a snack and then open your English book to figure out when to use to two and too and why no one can see how much she has shrink.