I weigh 776 LBS, and I`m bed stricken. Anyone have an idea on how I can become t!

I weigh 776 LBS, and I`m bed stricken. Anyone have an idea on how I can become the next Mr.Universe?

I`ve been bed stricken for two and a half a years. I consume somewhere around 5,000 carlories per day. On top of that I have veracose veins in my legs.
In light of all that I`ve been reading muscle magazines for 4 years, and I`m ready to become the next MR.Universe. Anybody have any workout routines that might help me reach my goal? My mama told me I can do anything I put my mind to. So, by golly I`m ready!!!!

Eat the current Mr. Universe, then threaten to eat anyone who competes. Yumm....with some bbq sauce.