I suddenly welcome death; is this normal after the loss of my son?!

I suddenly welcome death; is this normal after the loss of my son?

I am a 45 years of age. Up until 4 years ago when my 25 year old son passed away, I was terrified of even the thought of death. Since then, I have progressively accepted and welcomed death. It's not that I'm suicidal nor would I physically attempt anything, but at the same time I would certainly welcome it. I have a husband, 2 living children and 3 beautiful grandchildren whom I deeply love. However, within the past year, I have had some serious health issues that I avoid and do not follow up with. I find excuses, not enough time, having to work, not enough money, etc..... I'm beginning to wonder if deep down inside this is my manner of suicide. And yes, I am on an antidepressant and have been for the last 4 years. They have classified me as "meds only" with no need of counseling.

I would not say your condition is normal, but it is both typical and understandable.

Many people have a fear of death. Your acceptance of it did not come without a cost to you and your family. It sounds like you are wanting to "get it over with". Consider if this is selfish on your part.

If you were 20 years older and in great physical pain, then your condition might be considered normal. As you describe it, this is not the case.

I would seriously consider that the "meds only" diagnosis is wrong. If speaking with your husband or children or friends about your condition has no effect, then by all means seek professional help. One on one may not be nearly as effective as a group. I suggest looking for one geared towards parents who have lost a child or families who have a child dying.

If you cannot find one locally, look for one on-line as death support group or bereavement group. This is not so much for counseling as for learning to express what you feel. If you keep it inside, it will do you no good.